i guess i'm ok with this speedbump

so there's not a poetic or flowery way to put this, but seeing as this blog is my written record for my posterity (blah blah blah) i figured i need to journal my thoughts today. february 23, 2012 was my due date for our fifth child. we planned the pregnancy but kept it a surprise for a couple reasons. jared and i were the ones surprised when i lost the baby, 11 weeks along, on august 3 last year. all 4 previous pregnancies were problem free so this was completely new, foreign, and unexplainable to me. it all happened so fast. the loss of blood caused me to faint in the shower causing jared to call 911. i was quickly wheeled away in an ambulance, and had an emergency DNC. that all greatly added to the pure shock of the whole ordeal.

so i won't be holding my own newborn ever again, but i've had time to process it, with as much understanding that we are given in this life. i realize that we are ok with this unexpected turn. for a couple years now, since we were given a child with autism, i've felt that our plate was full and we could dodge other life challenges. well, i've been humbled and i'm grateful for the lessons learned thru raising a family. i know i have plenty more ahead of me. for now, i'm so very blessed to have a husband who is an excellent provider and more importantly a very worthy priesthood holder to lead our family. he's a good guy, he's dang cute and the kids absolutely adore him.

as for me, am i still sad? yes. i cringe when i hear an ambulance, when i stand up too fast that faint feeling comes back too quickly and clearly, and currently, seeing and holding other babies is still tough. but that bump in the road has led to other paths. i'm very lucky to have my fab 4, they need me, and i love them, so i'll focus on that and all the blessings that i'm continually allowed to enjoy.